The nursing home

Found out yesterday that they are moving mom to the nursing home today. She isn't safe to be at home alone anymore. When they called to tell me, I took the liberty of telling them I was coming home. It has always been part of the plan to go to the nursing home when the time came (dad doesn't want her to die at home), but I just didn't think it would come so soon. I didn't think any of this would come so soon.

The realities keep hitting me anew--that I will not see my mom in my house again. In my head all the conversations I've imagined having with her, I imagined in our kitchen or in her bedroom. Now I've started visualizing the conversations at the nursing home. It's one we know well--my grandma was there for a few years. My mom would visit every day, so all the staff know her and love her, so at least it's a familiar place. I think I'm going through all the moments people typically do when putting a family member in the nursing home. It seems cruel. I think I can take care of her. But there she has new people to talk to and people who know what they're doing. The woman can't communicate well to save her life, though, so I hope the nurses understand that....they've probably seen much worse.

So I think I'm going to leave Saturday after work, forgo my going away party, forgo the long trip planned with beautiful stops with amazing people and just get there as quickly as I can. The end is so very near, and there is no time to lose. My mom burst into tears when they told me saying, "I don't know how much time I have left." "Just hold on a little longer, Mama." "I'll try, Annie."

Please God let there be enough time to say all that needs to be said, to express the "I love yous" and "I'm sorrys" for a lifetime. Enough time and stamina to use the fingerpaints and play doh I bought for us to play with together. Will it just be enough.